Jealousy

Last night was our first critique for my photography class. For those of you who don't know what a critique is, or how they work, it's basically you putting your work up for the class to review. I've had to do this before when I was pursuing a degree in interior design, so the process was not new. Unfortunately, no matter how often you do it, it still is nerve racking. Having to put your design (in essence yourself) out there for the world to judge is difficult. It is also educational, which is why students are subjected to go through this torture time and time again.

It's educational in the sense that the teacher will tell you what things you could have done to make your print better, or what you did wrong with the shot that you had (relating this to photography). It's also educational because you get to see what everyone else in the class did. Everyone has different perspectives in life. You can learn al ot just by looking at other people's pictues. Also you get to hear the comments made about their prints. So if someone else did something good/bad you can learn from them, even if you didn't happen to have that issue yourself.

Looking at my classmates prints....well...I just felt that mine weren't any good. Maybe that's too harsh. I guess I thought mine were so-so. Not awful, but nothing spectacular. There were some others in class who had some prints that weren't spectacular either, but then some of the prints were just...well, awesome. There are some truly talented people in my class. I sort of started wondering if I should even be taking the class at all. But then I told myself that I'm taking a class to LEARN! If I took perfect pictures already, I would have no need for the class!

So, earlier today, I was reading a blog where someone else expressed the same thoughts as me. (http://surfacebelow.blogspot.com/) The blogger questioned "Should the beautiful work of others depress me?" And answered "Of course not. But, anytime that I look at work of others, I am immediately drawn to compare myself to it..." This really made an impact on me, because that is exactly what I did. And it's hard not to.

I compare myself to others in all aspects of my life. It's really not the best way to live. Everyone is different. You can't really compare yourself to anyone else because they are not you. It's like comparing apples and bananas. You can compare them, but it's not going to do you much good because there is no common reference point. Yes, they are both fruit, but they look completely different, come from different trees, even different regions.

All we can really do is live our own lives to the best of our ablities. And find joy in others beautiful works.

The Power of the Written Word

I was taking care of some online things this morning, one of which was cleaning up my email inbox. After I finished that I started reading through some emails I saved from friends, and things that I wrote them that I saved. Some of the emails I've written are hysterically funny. (and the best part is that some of my friends are just as funny.)

I wish I had some talent in writing. I am able to write a lot about nothing, which I'm sure at this point is apparent if you've read any of my other posts. But when it comes to actually writing something with a purpose, it just doesn't happen.

They say a picture is worth a 1,000 words. Well, in my photography class the teacher gave us a picture and we had to write about it. Luckily it did not have to be 1.000 words, but around 250-300. I think I got 250 words, but just barely. And I was trying as hard as I could for those.

I've been known to send people letters that are 20 pages long. I think I once sent my sister a 60 page letter or something outrageous like that. Granted I worked on that one for a couple of months. But still, if you take all the letters I've written to people, even over the last 2 years, I could have a novel by now. Unfortunately, it would have no actual plot, dialog, or anything that actually makes a good story. It's like I have this power, I just have no way of harnessing it and using it for good. It's not like I'm necessarily using my 'powers' for evil...well, I guess that depends on your opinion of getting a 20 page letter of nothing in the mail.

I wish I could find something that I really thought I had a talent for. There are some things that I do well, but I don't feel that I do them better than anyone else. And I'm not looking to be the absolute best at something. I know that there will always be someone better; but I'd like to find something where I'm better than most. Right now I'm taking a photography class and I LOVE it! It brings me a lot of joy. Some stress, trying to get everything done when we are supposed to have it done, but all in all, it makes me happy. I can be having the worst day, but after class, it's just like the best day ever! And I think I make some good prints. But I don't feel I make any better pictures than anyone else in the class. And that's only like 15 beginners like me. There are so many good photographers out there.

I guess, I just wish that there were some way I had to touch people. I think the written word is a powerful tool. I'd include songs also, because usually when a song really touches you, it's because the words resonate some meaning in your life. The music is nice, and I find music to be just as powerful, but I think, a really good song, can stand alone with just it's lyrics.

9/13/05

I found this magazine article a few weeks ago, about unlocking your hidden passions. One section was to ask a close friend, or multiple friends, six quiestions. What I've learned from the responses I got back is that I'm whiny and moody. Well, they didn't say whiny, they said I complain about everything. I'm going to work on changing that. Because a moody complainy person just does not sound like a person that people would want to be around. It will be hard not to be the person I am, but I do want to try and be a more upbeat kind of person.

On a different note, I believe nail polish has a stronger effect than most people give it credit for. I was shopping with my cousin this past week, and ended up purchasing some bright pink nail polish. I have been wearing it for the past couple of days. Normally I don't wear nail polish on my fingers very often. It just wears off so fast that some times it doesn't seem worth the effort. But even with my shorter nails the color just cheers me up. It's just a little bright spot in an existance that I find a bit dreary at the moment. I was thinking about it last night. The nail polish makes me feel pretty. And the plus of nail polish is that there are so many different colors out there that every one could find a color to suit them. Even just clear nail polish would bright up the hand. I personally like the color because when I'm doing different things, like typing, I can get glimpses of it.

Last night I spoke to my grandma. She kind of cheered me up a bit. She thinks I'm worth something. It's just nice to hear that sometimes. Then earlier today I got an email from one of my cousins. Along with 7 forwards. But it's nice to get email, and two, he was responding to an email I sent out to a group of people, and he updated me on his weekend. He apologized for his not being as long as mine, but hey, an email is an email. It just put a smile on my face. And life seemed a little better.

9/12/05

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about...life. I was feeling down, and started thinking about a friend of mine who was down recently. Still may be for all I know. but I was feeling down and like I could use a good friend to hang out with for awhile. and I started thinking about something that happened a couple of weeks ago, when my friend asked me to come visit. I ended up sending him an email that wasn't very nice. And thinking about it today, I just kind of was thinking that if at that time he was feeling like I am now, then basically I just kicked him when he was down. And I feel awful about it. I kind of wanted to write him an email and apologize. But I kind of already did apologize once, and felt it might be better if I didn't remind him of how mean I can be. :) So, I started this blog so that I could get things out, but try not to send them to people.

It's just so atypical of me to kick someone when they're down. Usually I go out of my way to try to cheer friends up when they're down. So it just makes me really sad that I would do something like that. I feel like I am a very mean and selfish person. Only thinking of myself. Never considering others point of view.

I know some of my friends would say that that's not true, but sometimes it is. And I don't want to be a selfish self-involved person. But after as many years as I have been this way, it's really difficult to change.

I just received this link from a cousin of mine. I thought it was....very thought provoking.

Paste the link into your web browser and the video automatically pops up:

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

[If you don’t have quicktime I guess the video doesn’t work which is the cool part. A video of a woman playing a guitar (which quickly changes to scenes from around the world) should show up.]

9/11/05

I just got off the phone. I spent an hour talking to my friend, but didn't share any of the things going on with me. I shared the surface stuff, but all the stuff brewing inside...that I kept to myself. Even though she specifically asked if anything was up. Which is kind of dumb, cuz I'll write about it here and I know that she'll read it. But sometimes the written word is so much easier than the spoken word. And I know most of what she'd say in response, so there's no point it actually discussing it. I can have the whole conversation by myself. :)

I've just had so many different things going through my head the past few days. All of it kind of depressing. And I'm really trying not to let life get me down. I bought Anna Nalick's Wreck of The Day CD this weekend. One line from "Breathe (2 am) is "There's a light at each end of this tunnel You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around". I fear I'm going down a path where I'm going to end up making mistakes I made before. And I really don't want to go down that path again. Be there. Done that. It wasn't so pretty.

As I listened to Anna's CD on my way out of town, I wished I had the ability to reach people with my words through music. Actually, to touch people's lives in any way, I suppose would be good. I just really admire song writers. And people like Anna Nalick or Avril Lavigne who both write and sing their own songs. Now that would be a talent I would love to have. And while I do apparently have the gift for gab in the written word (I've sent letters to people that were over 20 pages before), I don't ever actually say anything. Although I don't know many people who can write 20 pages of absolutely nothing. Of course when I actually HAVE to write something it is as short as can be. School papers were always difficult for me. I struggled to reach the minimum requirement.

Maybe that goes back to the whole trust issue. I was always very careful to have 'correct' papers. Never really put much of myself in to them. But then growing up, I usually tried to keep much of my true self to myself. Unfortunately you keep something packed away long enough it is often difficult to find it when you want it back. It gets buried under so much other junk.

I've been feeling very selfish lately. Not in a good way. (Because sometimes I think we all need to be a little selfish.) But it's just that I'm always complaining about my life. (Someone close to me recently told me that I complain about everything.) And really I've been lucky in life. There are so many people who have it much worse. Like the victims of Katrina. I really try and avoid thinking about tragedies such as that. I just don't feel I can deal with it. I'm scared that if I start thinking about it, I won't be able to stop, and I'll just be sucked down into this pit of despair that I'll never be able to find my way out of.

Some people don't realize how deeply I feel things. I often present a very cool exterior, a persona where things just slide right off. But I have really big feelings. That sounds kind of strange, but I just mean when I really let myself go and let things affect me, they affect me deeply. When I love someone, I love them with all I have. Which often leads to pain and heartache in some form or another. Which is why I shy away from loving people. If I don't let anyone get close, I can't get hurt. At least that's the theory.

And when I'm truly happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm depressed, I'm really depressed. I really should probably be on drugs. Mellow me out some. But something about the idea of messing with one's body chemistry just kind of makes me a little nervous. That and getting prescriptions require doctor visits. Doctors offices, hospitals, or anything that smells of a hospital type atmosphere, just...don't really agree with me. And I'm not always a complete mess. Some days I'm somewhat 'normal', whatever that may be.

I just think I'm a lot more sensitive than some people think I am. Some people know. Some people start conversations with "now, don't cry", but then those are the people who know me. Who really know me.

I was reading over my friend Maura's blog on God and coincidences. I kind of think I agree with her. A couple of weeks ago, I was lamenting the fact that I had no love life. I was like "why do guys not like me?" And that week I ended up getting a couple of emails from different guy cousins of mine, and I think I heard back from a guy friend of mine. Now, none of these relationships is the 'love' I was thinking about. But I figured it was God's way of telling me that guys do like me. :) And I am lovable. :) That and I know the most awesome people in the world. I am blessed with the greatest family in the world. They may be a little crazy, and some can be a bit scary at times, but all in all they are the best.

And for awhile I was fine. But the past little while I was getting down again because of my lack of love life. I think part of the problem may be the fact that I keep reading my online horoscope (I actually have 3 different ones I check out). And lately one of them has been saying a lot about good things happening in my love life and my job. Both of which I would love to be true. Although, neither is happening.

I know that I need to just get over it, and get on with life. And I'm seriously trying. My friend said: "Do you ever think that you are over something, or someone...only to turn a corner in your mind and find their imprint looming in the dark?" And it's just so relevant in my life right now. And it's like the more that you try NOT to think about something, the more that you do think about it.

I was telling my friend on the phone earlier that I think I'll be forever single. She said she doesn't think so, but....I don't know. I've given it a lot of thought. There are many people out there who are still single. I think I'll be one of those. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, although I do throw the best parties. lol. I just think that, in my life, I'm meant to remain single. I don't particularly like it, but I need to learn to adjust to the fact that my life may just be meant to be something that I don't want it to be.

You'd think I'd have learned the lesson that I have no control over my life by now, but no. I still want things to go the way I want them. But I'm too scared to just let go and let life go where it will.

"..I'm holding on to something Its keeping me from jumping I'm so afraid to go it alone And holding up this fortress With imaginary forces Longing for a life down below...What if I fall? What if I don't?..." Citadel, Anna Nalick

Trust...my friend Maura recently wrote about trust. Kind of funny actually because trust has been on my mind for the past few days. I've decided that my September resolution is to learn to trust myself more. (I have a tendancy to make resolutions throughout the year. Many around September, maybe that goes back to my school days and the beginings of a New Year.)

Recently I received an email from an old friend. This is a friend that I have...well, the best way to say it is that I had a crush on him for years. The feelings weren't mutual, but we were still friends. Well, this friend wrote me to ask me to come visit Labor Day weekend. He had some stuff happen in his life that was making him think about things. And apparently one of those things was his friends. Well, I hadn't heard from this individual for quite sometime, so it kind of threw me for a loop. When I read his email I took it to mean that he needed a friend, and was asking me to visit as a friend. Well, I discussed the issue with a few of my close friends, and some of them...well, they started me thinking down a different path. Which turned out very very badly for me. I ended up sending an email better left unsent. My friend ended up "un-inviting" me. And I ended up feeling bad. Partly because I don't like to make people upset, and I know I upset my friend. Partly because I...well, to be perfectly honest, don't know that I trust my friend to remain my friend. If that make sense. I guess a better way would be to say that I don't know that I have enough trust in our friendship to believe that it will survive. And partly I just feel a bit stupid. My friend now probably thinks that I still have the hots for him. But I really don't. I want to remain his friend and be friends with him because his friendship means a great deal to me on many levels, but that's about it.

My problem was I did not trust myself enough. I didn't trust my intuition about the situation. I usually don't. I often second guess myself.

I was telling my cousin this past weekend that I have trust issues. It's caused me many problems in my life. I don't trust people to like me, so I generally don't share myself with others. Mostly I say I'm shy, but I think shyness is just a lack of trust that there is a chance that other people will like you for who you are. It's a fear of putting yourself out there. It's the fear that if you put yourself out there, you will be torn to shreds.

I have problems trusting people not to leave me. I have abandonment issues. My theory is that it goes back to when I was born and my parents were forced to leave me at the hospital. (Apparently I was a little yellow and needed to "cook" a bit longer or something like that.) My biological parents divorced when I was probably younger than 2. Obviously I don't remember much from that time. But my biological father remarried and moved far away. My older sister went with him. So there's two people in my young life who left me. I know, now, that they weren't really leaving ME, but that's what it felt like. More recently I had a friend that I was writing to quite frequently, and he would write back occassionally. I shared more with him than almost any other person. There are probably only about 2 other people that I shared more with in my lifetime. And one of those people I've known since I was 2. Anyway, all of a sudden he quit writing back to me. In my twisted mind, I took this to mean that once someone gets to know the real me, they leave.

The reasonable part of me realizes that this is poppycock. But feelings are not always reasonable. *sigh* if only they were. Life would be so much easier.

Now, I do realize that I started off talking about trust, and ended...well, who knows where. This is just how my mind works. And writing it out just helps me process everything. And the exhibitionist in me feels the need to write it where anyone in the world could stumble upon it.

But back to trust. So I've been thinking that I need to trust myself more. And to trust in myself more. To trust that I am indeed a loveable person. But in order for people to be able to truly love me, well, 1, I must love myself, and 2, and possibly more important, I must show them the real me and allow them the opportunity to know the real me. Otherwise how can they possibly love the real me, if that's not who they know. Now, if anyone I know ends up reading this (besides Maura who I know will read it), I'm not saying that the person I am around you is completely not me, but I'm just saying that I don't often show the entire depth of me.

I've also been thinking about trusting God more. I've been trying to get a better relationship with God, but in order to do that one must give oneself totally to God. To put complete trust in him. I don't feel I've reached the point where I can do that. The thought of giving complete control of my life over to someone else sends me into sheer panic. I don't even do well in the passenger seat of my car, let alone my life. I do realize that I cannot control everything. In fact life has proven time and time again, that I can control NOTHING! Yet still I try.

Trust. It's a very difficult thing to do. But also a necessary thing to do in order to survive life.

9/6/05

I was reading through my poetry journal last night. I have some that I think are pretty decent. There was one, it kind of made me laugh. I was writing it about someone in particular, but reading it over, it's like someone was talking to me. It's just amazes me how things happen sometimes.

I had plans for Labor Day weekend that kind of fell through, so I ended up doing something different. That something different ended with me spending sometime with some cousins that I've never really just 'hung out' with. Usually when we see each other it is at some family function. But spending time with them, really.....well, I had been rather depressed for awhile, and after spending time with them, I was just much happier. So while part of me is still bummed that I didn't get to see my other friend, and there's a good chance he and I may never see each other again; I am really happy with the way things turned out. I suppose it was God's plan all along.



090105
I tried to be the person I thought you wanted me to be
I thought if I was perfect then maybe you'd come back to me
I thought the fault was mine
I was wrong
But I spent so much time being what I thought I should be
That I am no longer me
I can No longer find the part of me that IS me
She is buried so deep that all my digging cannot release her from the tomb I stuck her in
I thought if I was perfect then you would love me
I thought the fault was mine
I was wrong
there is nothing I could do to make you love me
Unfortunately for her, I figured it out too late

083103
whoever knew love could be like this
Thoughts of you seem to consume me completely
To think, months ago you didn't even exist to me
Now you're my everything
I love your smile,
the sweet things you say
I love the way you look at me and make my day
I miss you when we're not together
separated by the different lives we lead
But when I think of you,
My heart just smiles
And when we are together again my just swells

060103
Should I or shouldn't I
I sit and I debate
if I knew how you felt
if I was sure
There would be no question
But I'm not sure
And I'm insecure
So I sit and wonder
and debate
should I or shouldn't I

102602
You've touched my heart
I know not how or why,
but you've touched my heart
you have laid claim on that which was mine
I give it freely and it shall remain
forever yours
You've touched my heart
I shall never forget you
If at anytime you feel the need, call me
The piece of me that is your claim
is there whenever you may need it
To listen, to console, to share both joy and sorrow
For whatever you may need it,
it is yours
And I only hope that I may someday
touch your heart as deeply as you've touched mine.

042002
When you left
you didn't give me a second thought
when you walked out that door
you didn't even look back
when I asked why
you didn't even bother to reply
I guess I'll never know why
I wasn't good enough
I suppose you'll never say
what caused you to not care
If only I could understand
if only I knew why
Maybe I could fix what's wrong
Maybe next time I'd be prepared

111501
I'm standing at a crossroad
I don't know which way to turn
I look behind but don't recognize the path that I have traveled
I don't even know myself anymore
somewhere along my way I lost my sense of me
of who I am
where I'm going
and where I want to be

092501
Why can't you just tell me the truth
I can hear it in your voice
I can see it in your face
Why do you lie?
I'm not as fragile as you might think
My heart's been broke before and it will be broken again
I survived the last time and I'll survive the next.
I'd rather my heart be broken by the truth
Instead of the lies you feel you must tell
Tell me, what scares you
What is it that you fear
I may get hurt, I may be sad and angry
But I will always love you
My love won't be broken with hurtful truth,
But it may be damaged by unnecessary lies
Why can't you just tell me the truth?
I can hear it in your voice,
I can see it in your face?
Why do you feel the need to lie?
I'm not as fragile as you might think.
The truth will not break me.

062500
thoughts of you
fill my heart with love
thoughts of you
tear my heart in two
who know love could bring such pain
I see you hurting
my heart aches with pain
I want to make your hurts go away
I want for your life to be perfect and hurt free
I long for you to be happy
to see what I see
I want you to see the bright young woman
with a future full of wonderful possibilities
A girl whose smile can light up a room
A girl whose laughter makes my heart laugh too
I want you to see the girl I see
I want you to see the girl we all love
I want you to see that you are not alone
You are blessed with family and friends
who love and who care
family and friends whose hearts ache with your pain
who long to help you to take the pain away
but no matter how much they wish, they can't figure out how
how to aid you in this time of trouble; how to end all your pain
So all they can do,
all I can do,
is hope
Hope and pray that some day,
someday,
you too will see what we see
Hope that someday you will know in your heart
what we've known all along.
You are special
You are unique
There is no one like you
you are so full of laughter
So full of life
You are important to all who you touch
We are all different, more special because you have touched our lives
So I hope one day, one day quite soon
you will come to realize that you are loved
for no other reason than you being you.

9/2/05

So, this is my first attempt at blogging. My friend did it, and it seemed like a good outlet for me. I like to write about everything going on in my head, and do not find journaling as effective as I would like. So instead I usually end up emailing it to people I shouldn't. So now I can write and get the attention I seek, but don't actually have to write to anyone specific. We'll see how it goes.

Recently one of the magazines I subscribe to had a test of sorts to help "unlock your inner personality" or something like that. The first question had you pick between 4 pictures; you were supposed to choose the picture that most closely resembled your childhood dream of what you wanted to be when you grew up. I choose the ballet slippers, because I wanted to be a dancer or singer. Unfortunately for me I am completely lacking in anything even closely resembling rhythm, talent, or an ability to come anywhere close to the proper note. But in the 'explanation' it said that people who chose this like attention. Which at first I was like 'that's not me' but after some thought, yeah, it is me. So blogging is perfect for that. I can pretend that everyone in the world is interested in what I have to say, when in all actuality, probably no one will read this [except any friends that I may share this with].

Well, I should end this for now and return to earning my paycheck, such as it is.