9/11/05
I just got off the phone. I spent an hour talking to my friend, but didn't share any of the things going on with me. I shared the surface stuff, but all the stuff brewing inside...that I kept to myself. Even though she specifically asked if anything was up. Which is kind of dumb, cuz I'll write about it here and I know that she'll read it. But sometimes the written word is so much easier than the spoken word. And I know most of what she'd say in response, so there's no point it actually discussing it. I can have the whole conversation by myself. :)
I've just had so many different things going through my head the past few days. All of it kind of depressing. And I'm really trying not to let life get me down. I bought Anna Nalick's Wreck of The Day CD this weekend. One line from "Breathe (2 am) is "There's a light at each end of this tunnel You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around". I fear I'm going down a path where I'm going to end up making mistakes I made before. And I really don't want to go down that path again. Be there. Done that. It wasn't so pretty.
As I listened to Anna's CD on my way out of town, I wished I had the ability to reach people with my words through music. Actually, to touch people's lives in any way, I suppose would be good. I just really admire song writers. And people like Anna Nalick or Avril Lavigne who both write and sing their own songs. Now that would be a talent I would love to have. And while I do apparently have the gift for gab in the written word (I've sent letters to people that were over 20 pages before), I don't ever actually say anything. Although I don't know many people who can write 20 pages of absolutely nothing. Of course when I actually HAVE to write something it is as short as can be. School papers were always difficult for me. I struggled to reach the minimum requirement.
Maybe that goes back to the whole trust issue. I was always very careful to have 'correct' papers. Never really put much of myself in to them. But then growing up, I usually tried to keep much of my true self to myself. Unfortunately you keep something packed away long enough it is often difficult to find it when you want it back. It gets buried under so much other junk.
I've been feeling very selfish lately. Not in a good way. (Because sometimes I think we all need to be a little selfish.) But it's just that I'm always complaining about my life. (Someone close to me recently told me that I complain about everything.) And really I've been lucky in life. There are so many people who have it much worse. Like the victims of Katrina. I really try and avoid thinking about tragedies such as that. I just don't feel I can deal with it. I'm scared that if I start thinking about it, I won't be able to stop, and I'll just be sucked down into this pit of despair that I'll never be able to find my way out of.
Some people don't realize how deeply I feel things. I often present a very cool exterior, a persona where things just slide right off. But I have really big feelings. That sounds kind of strange, but I just mean when I really let myself go and let things affect me, they affect me deeply. When I love someone, I love them with all I have. Which often leads to pain and heartache in some form or another. Which is why I shy away from loving people. If I don't let anyone get close, I can't get hurt. At least that's the theory.
And when I'm truly happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm depressed, I'm really depressed. I really should probably be on drugs. Mellow me out some. But something about the idea of messing with one's body chemistry just kind of makes me a little nervous. That and getting prescriptions require doctor visits. Doctors offices, hospitals, or anything that smells of a hospital type atmosphere, just...don't really agree with me. And I'm not always a complete mess. Some days I'm somewhat 'normal', whatever that may be.
I just think I'm a lot more sensitive than some people think I am. Some people know. Some people start conversations with "now, don't cry", but then those are the people who know me. Who really know me.
I was reading over my friend Maura's blog on God and coincidences. I kind of think I agree with her. A couple of weeks ago, I was lamenting the fact that I had no love life. I was like "why do guys not like me?" And that week I ended up getting a couple of emails from different guy cousins of mine, and I think I heard back from a guy friend of mine. Now, none of these relationships is the 'love' I was thinking about. But I figured it was God's way of telling me that guys do like me. :) And I am lovable. :) That and I know the most awesome people in the world. I am blessed with the greatest family in the world. They may be a little crazy, and some can be a bit scary at times, but all in all they are the best.
And for awhile I was fine. But the past little while I was getting down again because of my lack of love life. I think part of the problem may be the fact that I keep reading my online horoscope (I actually have 3 different ones I check out). And lately one of them has been saying a lot about good things happening in my love life and my job. Both of which I would love to be true. Although, neither is happening.
I know that I need to just get over it, and get on with life. And I'm seriously trying. My friend said: "Do you ever think that you are over something, or someone...only to turn a corner in your mind and find their imprint looming in the dark?" And it's just so relevant in my life right now. And it's like the more that you try NOT to think about something, the more that you do think about it.
I was telling my friend on the phone earlier that I think I'll be forever single. She said she doesn't think so, but....I don't know. I've given it a lot of thought. There are many people out there who are still single. I think I'll be one of those. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, although I do throw the best parties. lol. I just think that, in my life, I'm meant to remain single. I don't particularly like it, but I need to learn to adjust to the fact that my life may just be meant to be something that I don't want it to be.
You'd think I'd have learned the lesson that I have no control over my life by now, but no. I still want things to go the way I want them. But I'm too scared to just let go and let life go where it will.
"..I'm holding on to something Its keeping me from jumping I'm so afraid to go it alone And holding up this fortress With imaginary forces Longing for a life down below...What if I fall? What if I don't?..." Citadel, Anna Nalick
I've just had so many different things going through my head the past few days. All of it kind of depressing. And I'm really trying not to let life get me down. I bought Anna Nalick's Wreck of The Day CD this weekend. One line from "Breathe (2 am) is "There's a light at each end of this tunnel You shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around". I fear I'm going down a path where I'm going to end up making mistakes I made before. And I really don't want to go down that path again. Be there. Done that. It wasn't so pretty.
As I listened to Anna's CD on my way out of town, I wished I had the ability to reach people with my words through music. Actually, to touch people's lives in any way, I suppose would be good. I just really admire song writers. And people like Anna Nalick or Avril Lavigne who both write and sing their own songs. Now that would be a talent I would love to have. And while I do apparently have the gift for gab in the written word (I've sent letters to people that were over 20 pages before), I don't ever actually say anything. Although I don't know many people who can write 20 pages of absolutely nothing. Of course when I actually HAVE to write something it is as short as can be. School papers were always difficult for me. I struggled to reach the minimum requirement.
Maybe that goes back to the whole trust issue. I was always very careful to have 'correct' papers. Never really put much of myself in to them. But then growing up, I usually tried to keep much of my true self to myself. Unfortunately you keep something packed away long enough it is often difficult to find it when you want it back. It gets buried under so much other junk.
I've been feeling very selfish lately. Not in a good way. (Because sometimes I think we all need to be a little selfish.) But it's just that I'm always complaining about my life. (Someone close to me recently told me that I complain about everything.) And really I've been lucky in life. There are so many people who have it much worse. Like the victims of Katrina. I really try and avoid thinking about tragedies such as that. I just don't feel I can deal with it. I'm scared that if I start thinking about it, I won't be able to stop, and I'll just be sucked down into this pit of despair that I'll never be able to find my way out of.
Some people don't realize how deeply I feel things. I often present a very cool exterior, a persona where things just slide right off. But I have really big feelings. That sounds kind of strange, but I just mean when I really let myself go and let things affect me, they affect me deeply. When I love someone, I love them with all I have. Which often leads to pain and heartache in some form or another. Which is why I shy away from loving people. If I don't let anyone get close, I can't get hurt. At least that's the theory.
And when I'm truly happy, I'm ecstatic. When I'm depressed, I'm really depressed. I really should probably be on drugs. Mellow me out some. But something about the idea of messing with one's body chemistry just kind of makes me a little nervous. That and getting prescriptions require doctor visits. Doctors offices, hospitals, or anything that smells of a hospital type atmosphere, just...don't really agree with me. And I'm not always a complete mess. Some days I'm somewhat 'normal', whatever that may be.
I just think I'm a lot more sensitive than some people think I am. Some people know. Some people start conversations with "now, don't cry", but then those are the people who know me. Who really know me.
I was reading over my friend Maura's blog on God and coincidences. I kind of think I agree with her. A couple of weeks ago, I was lamenting the fact that I had no love life. I was like "why do guys not like me?" And that week I ended up getting a couple of emails from different guy cousins of mine, and I think I heard back from a guy friend of mine. Now, none of these relationships is the 'love' I was thinking about. But I figured it was God's way of telling me that guys do like me. :) And I am lovable. :) That and I know the most awesome people in the world. I am blessed with the greatest family in the world. They may be a little crazy, and some can be a bit scary at times, but all in all they are the best.
And for awhile I was fine. But the past little while I was getting down again because of my lack of love life. I think part of the problem may be the fact that I keep reading my online horoscope (I actually have 3 different ones I check out). And lately one of them has been saying a lot about good things happening in my love life and my job. Both of which I would love to be true. Although, neither is happening.
I know that I need to just get over it, and get on with life. And I'm seriously trying. My friend said: "Do you ever think that you are over something, or someone...only to turn a corner in your mind and find their imprint looming in the dark?" And it's just so relevant in my life right now. And it's like the more that you try NOT to think about something, the more that you do think about it.
I was telling my friend on the phone earlier that I think I'll be forever single. She said she doesn't think so, but....I don't know. I've given it a lot of thought. There are many people out there who are still single. I think I'll be one of those. I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, although I do throw the best parties. lol. I just think that, in my life, I'm meant to remain single. I don't particularly like it, but I need to learn to adjust to the fact that my life may just be meant to be something that I don't want it to be.
You'd think I'd have learned the lesson that I have no control over my life by now, but no. I still want things to go the way I want them. But I'm too scared to just let go and let life go where it will.
"..I'm holding on to something Its keeping me from jumping I'm so afraid to go it alone And holding up this fortress With imaginary forces Longing for a life down below...What if I fall? What if I don't?..." Citadel, Anna Nalick
posted by Tallulah Jones | 6:09 PM
1 Comments:
You made me cry.
I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. and I know that I'm a great person. I may have a hard time truly believing that some days but I do KNOW that.
I think you're a great person too.
Love,
Tallulah
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