11/29/05

UGH!

The Horror

So I was in Chicago this weekend with my dad. He was driving. He pulled in to the turn lane to make a left hand turn (across traffic) I looked out of the left side of the car, and what I saw caused my life to flash before my eyes. In my head I was screaming "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" But luckily, we continued on past the White Castle, to the crossroad beyond.


:) Have a great day!

Job Searching...Stinks

So I had an interview last week for a company in a town about an hour away from where I live. The interview, in my opinon, did not go well. I hope the gentlemen find what they are looking for, but I have a feeling it won't be me.

On my drive home I thought about whether or not I'd have the confidence needed to do the job, if, on the way off chance, it was ever offered. Lately my confidence, which has always been somewhat lacking, is practically non-existant.

I also thought about whether I'd ever find a job that I enjoyed. Which lead me to think about the jobs I held in college. I obtained my masters and bachelor's degrees from the same institution, with a 2 year...adventure...in between. While on my pursuite for higher education, I worked in the same office. They were excited to have me back when I returned to Grad School. while at times I found my job there some what monoton0us, that's one of the few places where I really felt I fit in. I started contemplating trying to find a job in that area.

Well, that was Wednesday. On Thursday I got an email from my former boss, informing me of a full time postion in the department. It would not be for either of the people I formerly worked for, but for someone working down the hall.

Well, this lead to some serious thinking. First, was I looking at my past with rose-colored glasses? Could I really move back there and find some happiness? Or was I just dreaming. Second, working for my new boss, would I feel compelled to help my old boss when she asked? Now this might not seem like that big of a deal, but if it would pull me away from my new job, that would be bad. and it would irritate the new boss. And I can totally see my old boss doing that. And the new boss would be a bear to work for if that happened.

I just have no clear feeling on what I should do. It might end up being a moot point if I can't take the required exam. Or if I don't pass the exam. I just don't want to end up taking a job for the wrong reasons...again. And end up in a job I hate...again. Who knows, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'll never be happy with work at all.

Winter

The first snow of the season happened yesterday (in my neck of the woods...or fields, as is more accurate). Don't know that I was quite ready for it. Especially has a few days earlier, the weather had been a nice sunny 60.

Tonight I walked out of class around 9 pm. You could smell it in the air. The wonderful end of fall smell. It's not easily described. But the air was cold, crisp and had a hint, of what I think, was burning leaves. I can't really pinpoint what the smell was. But whatever it is, it just makes me want to curl up in my warm comfy clothes with a blanket and some hot chocolate.

Courage

I just received an email from a friend of mine. She told me that she's been feeling the same way as me. Said she's thought about going to see someone, but doesn't want to appear weak. I told her that asking for help actually requires a lot of courage. It's often the little things in life that are the most difficult. One wouldn't think that asking for help would be that big of a deal, but pride gets in the way. It's admitting that you can't do it on your own. We all want everyone to think that we are strong and capable. To show weakness is to give someone an opportunity to use it against you. When most often the person who uses it against you is yourself. And you'll do that whether or not you share with others.

My friend, Maura, recently wrote about her friends: Fear, Doubt, and Self Loathing. When we don't ask for help, whether from God or some other human here on earth, we allow these three to take over. These three will lead us down a path into darkness, and just when we have reached the deepest darkest depths of the forest, they will leave us. For while Fear, Doubt and Self Loathing are not truly friends, they come in the guise of friendship. We often feel safe with them, when they first appear. We think, I remember this feeling. I know this. I can handle this. And when we have reached that comfort zone with them, when we have begun to feel that we truly belong with them, that is when we reach the the depths of the forest. And they are gone. And we are left alone, feeling unsafe, unsecure, and unsure of which way to go.

The only way to survive is to ask for help. As we travel down the path with our three so-called friends, we must learn to stop and ask for directions. :) If we stop and get direction along the way then hopefully we will not find ourselves lost in the forest of despair. Unfortunately for most, it is often difficult to find the courage we need to be able to ask for direction. And sometimes it is even more difficult to follow the directions after they are given to us.

Friends

"There is an electricity about a friendship relationship. We are both mroe relaxed and more sensitive, more creative and more reflective, more energetic and more casual, more excited and more serene. It is as though wehn we come in contact with our friend we enter into a differnet environment." ~ Andrew M. Greeley

"How can I find the shining word, the glowing phrase that tells all that your love has meant to me, all that your friendship spells? There is no word, no phrase for you on whom I so depend. All I can sy to you is this, God bless you precious friend." ~ Grace Noll Crowell

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together." ~ Anonymous

Je suis triste

I received a call today from a good friend of mine. She commented that she hadn't talked to me in a while. I said "yeah, I know". I apparently had...a bit of an attitude when I said it. I didn't mean to, it's just she wasn't really the first person I'd heard that from recently. A week or so ago I got an email from a cousin of mine saying she missed my emails. (I've been known to send out some pretty long and frequently emails to a select group.)

I realized that I have been "incommunicado" for awhile. But really, there wasn't much to say. Not that I ever really say much, but I used be able to pretend that I had stuff to say. :) But I've just been so down recently, that, pretending just wasn't happening. I mean who really wants to listen to me whine about how unhappy I am. (to which I'm sure you are all saying "Not me! Not me!") I wrote my sister about some of it, and she wrote back and tried to make me see that my life could be...different.

I know, I know, there are many ways to get past depression. Unfortunately nothing much seemed to work. I did try praying. I tried looking on the "bright side" of things.

Well, things did get slightly better. I could make the drive to work with out crying. Always a plus. But then this week I had some physical problems. Started out as pain in my back and arms. Couple days later it was in my lower back. Which lead me to make an appointment with a doctor. Now for those of you reading this who know me well, you know that this would not help ease the stress in my life. For those of you who don't know me that well....Last time I went to the doctor was 4 years ago when I was suffering from major headaches (tension headaches - a sign that I do not handle stress well.) Before that the last time I went to the doctor was in high school. I really dislike going to the doctor. I even have a hard time going in to hospitals.

So anyway, a few days ago I got a phone call from another one of my cousins (I have oodles of them). He was just calling to check and see how everyone was doing. Then the next day I got an email from him telling me he loved me. I got an email from a friend of mine who sent me some jobs to apply to. Then today my other friend gave me a call. It's always nice to know that people care.

A while back a friend of mine wrote that she missed me. I almost wrote her back and told her that I missed me too. It's hard know that I'm not really me at the moment, but not quite knowing how to get back to being me. Things are getting better. I mean, look I've gotten back into writing my usual nothingness. :)

So, I think, when I started this, I had a point. Somewhere in the last half an hour or so, I seemed to have lost it. Not unusual for me.

So things will hopefully get better. Photography class is going pretty well. Did well on my second project, even though I didn't really like my prints that much. I think my third project will be okay. My apple prints turned out pretty well I think. I'm not overly impressed, but hey, the assignment's done, right? And I've got 6 rolls shot and developed for my final project (documentary of Union Station, Chicago). Unfortunately I only have about 4 classes left to print the 15-20 prints we are supposed to have turned in.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Just thought I'd check in. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. :)

euphonious

I was reading some blogs today, and someone had used the word "euphonious". I wasn't sure what this meant, or whether or not it was a good thing or a bad thing. So I had to look it up. It's a good thing. I just felt the need to share my new knowledge with the few who read my site.

I love words.

euphonious

adj 1: having a pleasant sound; "a euphonious trill of silver laughter" [syn: euphonous] [ant: cacophonous] 2: (of speech or dialect) pleasing in sound; not harsh or strident; "her euphonious Southern speech"

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=euphonious

Lesson Learned
I made a mistake
I gave you my heart
You used it and abused it
I'll just chalk it up to a lesson learned


Alone
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody see me?
Am I all alone?
I just want someone to hear me.

Entry Level?

How can a job be posted as "Entry Level" yet require experience? I thought that "Entry Level" implied no experience.

And how is one supposed to get experience if every job out there first requires experience. It seems to be a never ending cycle - can't get the job because of no experience, can't get the experience because you can't get the job.

It's very frustrating.

Horoscope

So today at work one of my coworkers was reading our horoscopes. Mine was something about a secret coming out and travel. Don't know what the secret thing is all about. I have many secrets, but none that I think are in danger of coming to light (and even if they did, they're just secrets because I don't feel like sharing, not because sharing will do me any harm.) And the travel thing. I had no current plans to travel. Plenty of travel plans in December. December is pretty much shaping up to be mostly travel. But I was like, okay, whatever.

I don't hold too much belief in horoscopes. Especially as lately mine have been all about romance and new loves coming into my life. Um, yeah, whatever. But every once and a while, they just kind of make me go "hmmm...."

Today in class we were talking about our final project. Somebody mentioned riding the local bus or going to Chicago and riding the El, and photographing all the people there. I thought, hey, I could ride the train and take pictures of all the...um, interesting...people, who ride the train.

The other night when we were waiting at the train station with my brother, I was kind of wishing I had broght my camera. There are so many different kinds of people who ride the train. And so, I'm thinking I can go up to Union Station in Chicago, take some pictures of the people in the train station, take pictures of passengers on the train, pictures of the train personnel, all sorts of things. I don't particularly like shooting people, but it should be a fairly easy way to get 15-20 prints in a month. I have to check it out with my connection at Amtrak, see if I can get the okay to do that (and a free trip). But it'd also be nice because I could feasibly shoot all the rolls in one weekend, but if needed, could go back and get more. (It's nice to have family connections.)

It hit me when I walked to my car, my weekend could involve some travel. Kind of spooky how that ended up. Sometimes those horoscopes are right on.

The bad thing that happened in class today, figured out that I have to be out of town for work the night of the final critique. Now, I know, I generally don't like critique nights as I usually walk away feeling depressed, but I would really like to be there for the final one and see everyone'd final projects. But instead I have to go to some stupid work thing that I don't even want to go to. :(

Oh well. C'est la vie.