1/2 Hour of Freedom

It's amazing how much time 1/2 an hour can be. Today we got to leave work early for the 'holiday'. Actually it was probably because most of the office was leaving early anyway, so they decided to let the rest of us go too. 1/2 an hour usually doesn't seem like much, but getting to leave work early...now that makes it seem...well, it was a good 1/2 hour.

So I spent the weekend trying to complete my next assignment for class. We have to shoot a documentary. I decided to document the life of an apple. Don't know that this will be what the teacher was looking for, but part of me has started not to care. I get really stressed out about it having the "right" images. And making sure I get a good grade. Which is all well and good, but I took this class for enjoyment. I'm not using it for a degree or anything (already got a couple of those that aren't doing me any good.) So why get all worked up about it. If the teacher doesn't like it, he doesn't like it.

So anyway, I went out to the local apple orchard to take pictures. Turns out apple season is basically over. I was hoping to get a picture of an apple on the tree to start my documentary series, and I did find a couple. But they were like baby apples. I got some shots of decent looking apples on the ground under the trees, so hopefully something will work out. The I got shots of the apple on the table in the fruit bowl, getting sliced, sliced apples in the pie plate, and a picture of some apple crisp. Hopefully they turn out.

It was stated that we could document anything. I don't particularly like photographing people, so I choose a subject that wasn't people. Hopefully that will work.

My next major hurdle is coming up with a creative final project. I have some pictures of...well a friend of mine called them cobblestones, that I really like. And I took some pictures when I was visiting my brother in the Chicago area of other tiles/bricks/whatever in various different shapes and patterns. I just haven't come up with a way to...justify?...taking these pictures and turning them into a project.

After our last critique in class, I was feeling a bit...down about my photographs. Probably due in part to the fact that I didn't like any of the pictures that I put up last time. But over the weekend I went to visit a friend of mine and showed her my prints. She loved them all. It made me feel a little better about my stuff.

Anyway, that's all for now. And someday when I get access to a scanner and can scan all my prints, I will post some of them for those of you who want to see what I keep blabbing on and on about.

[I realized that my title for this post really has nothing much to do with the majority of the post. I thought about changing it, but for those of you who know the real me (not my Tallulah persona) know that I rarely can keep on one subject for too long before meandering off on some tangent or another, or two or three tangents. But as that's the joy of me, I decided to leave it as is.]

History of the Jack O'Lantern

(got this from someone at work. thought I'd share it.)

History of the Jack O'Lantern


The Irish brought the tradition of the Jack O'Lantern to America. But, the original Jack O'Lantern was not a pumpkin.The Jack O'Lantern legend goes back hundreds of years in Irish History. As the story goes, Stingy Jack was a miserable, old drunk who liked to play tricks on everyone: family, friends, his mother and even the Devil himself. One day, he tricked the Devil into climbing up an apple tree. Once the Devil climbed up the apple tree, Stingy Jack hurriedly placed crosses around the trunk of the tree. The Devil was then unable to get down the tree. Stingy Jack made the Devil promise him not to take his soul when he died. Once the devil promised not to take his soul, Stingy Jack removed the crosses and let the Devil down.

Many years later, when Jack finally died, he went to the pearly gates of Heaven and was told by Saint Peter that he was too mean and too cruel and had led a miserable and worthless life on earth. He was not allowed to enter heaven. He then went down to Hell and the Devil. The Devil kept his promise and would not allow him to enter Hell. Now Jack was scared and had nowhere to go but to wander about forever in the darkness between heaven and hell. He asked the Devil how he could leave as there was no light. The Devil tossed him an ember from the flames of Hell to help him light his way. Jack placed the ember in a hollowed out Turnip, one of his favorite foods which he always carried around with him whenever he could steal one. For that day onward, Stingy Jack roamed the earth without a resting place, lighting his way as he went with his "Jack O'Lantern".

On all Hallow's eve, the Irish hollowed out Turnips, rutabagas, gourds, potatoes and beets. They placed a light in them to ward off evil spirits and keep Stingy Jack away. These were the original Jack O'Lanterns. In the 1800's a couple of waves of Irish immigrants came to America. The Irish immigrants quickly discovered that Pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve out. So they used pumpkins for Jack O'Lanterns.

Fall

So lately I have been contemplating moving. I have family in Texas and friend(s) in Arizonia. This past weekend I took a road trip to visit my brother. Looking at all the beautiful fall colors during my drive, I wasn't sure that I'd be able to leave this area. I love the colors of fall. I love the newness of spring. If you go too far south, there isn't that wonderful change of seasons.

Time Off

Just read my friend, Maura's, blog about playing hookie. I have had the same thought a time or two, or every day for the past few months. I think if I were to play hookie it would be even harder for me to make myself to go back to work the next day.

I've come to the decision that I really need to quit my job. It just manages to suck anything even remotely resembling happiness from my life. I know life is all about our perceptions, and in order to have a good opinoin of life we must first have a good opinoin of ourselves. I've tried. It's not working. Each day becomes worse than the day before. I tried the positive attiude. Didn't work. I've been praying about it. Asking for help. Nothing seems to be working.

I have a little peon job. Nothing life or death, but I have been so stressed about it that it's starting to have physical ramifications. Regular stomach pains, heartburn, headaches, jaw aches... And that doesn't even begin to touch the mental areas. It's almost as bad as one of my previous jobs where I planned out ways to kill myself on the drive to work. But that was due to more than just the job. Unfortunately now it's mostly just the job....which I must leave now to go to.

Let's hope I can make it through the day without crying. That'd make it one day this week.

?

There are people in this world who should not have children, yet these seem to be the people that procreate. What is up with that? People who can't even take care of themselves, and seem to think that the world revolves around them. These people are having kids. Yet, they still never seem to grasp what an important role they are supposed to play in that young one's life.

Sigh. Guess there's not much I can do about that.

October Pictures

Happy Thoughts

So, my photography class is going pretty well. I can't believe it is 1/2 over already. The midterm was turned in on Thursday. I think I did pretty well. The teacher started grading them during class, and at the end I think he said that another woman and I didn't get any wrong. He hadn't graded the extra credit yet, but I was happy. It was a take home test so I figured I'd do fairly decent, but I thougth it was a difficult exam. There were a few questions, that even after looking up, I still wasn't sure about the answers. But apparently I did okay.

I'm really happy with some of my prints. I know some of you want to see them. And I really want to show you, but that means I have to find somewhere to scan them on to disk so that I can download them. I tried downloading some pictures that weren't for class, that I developed at Walmart and got put on to disk, but it didn't work out. (that was just one more frustrating multi-hour event in my week.) Unfortunately some of my favorite prints don't really work for our current project, but they look cool. :)

.....

Just got things to do what I wanted them to...well, kind of. Got pictures downloaded. Still none of my pictures from class, but some pictures I took at my friends wedding. They are all schots of the setting. No people. but I think they turned out pretty well. And now that I'm able to put some pictures on my blog, I am much happier than I was 2 hours ago. :)

UGH!

So my friend Maura wants to know wher I've been. Well, I'm still around. Just very busy, stressed, depressed and tired. In my quest to be a better person I've been trying not to burden my friends with all my whining and complaining. But, I have to vent.

This woman at work is driving me insane! My job description as was described when I was hired on was to assist the various memebers of my team. Well so far that has meant that I do one team members work. I have discussed this with my boss, but not much has changed. I wasn't really happy about the job in the first place and really took the job for all the wrong reasons. Well, monetary reasons. But if I was doing what I was told I was going to do, I don't think I'd be quite as irritated. But since I was technically hired on, I've been doing the exact same thing everyday. Well, that's not entirely true. But the majority of what I've done has fallen under this one woman's domain of things.

Well, this week, one of our team mates was out at a meeting (for work) and she asked me to help enter applications so that the test could be sent out at the end of this week. Fine. I have no problem with this. Well, my boss also wants to see my stack of work diminish. It's not.

So, in order for these applications to be approved, I had to give them to the woman whom I have been "helping". Lets call her Jane. So Jane looks them over, and hands them back to me so that I can call a couple of them about their experience. Which is kind of stupid, because if I knew anything about experience needed then I could be checking and approving the apps myself. But I go ahead and do it. Then I put them on her desk for her to approve them once again, and left her a note asking if she could enter them for me. (she was at lunch and I wouldn't see her before I left for lunch) So, I ended up having to enter the applications. Fine whatever.

But on a couple of them I had to wait for them to fax over more information, which they didn't do until the end of the day. So round about 8:05 this morning Jane is in my room checking to see if they are done yet. As I just walked in the door at 8:00, it's not bloody likely. So I did them, then she took them to someone else to make sure the credit cards got run before noon. So when I got back from running an errand with another coworker, the apps were sitting on my chair waiting for me to finish them. Which I made sure to do first thing.

So later in my wonderful day, I find yet another app for that particular exam. And I"m like "bummer, she's probably already started that one, and I'm going to mess everything up". Well, turns out, no, she hadn't even done anything with it. And this was at 3:00pm! She didn't even do anything with it all day! Yet she was checking up on whether or not I had done my part at 8 am this morning.

She is just really irritating me. She asked one of my co-workers what time I left for lunch the other day. Um, I left at my normal scheduled time, and was back in an hour...well, honestly a few minutes early. And Jane often is late back from lunch, sometimes up to 1/2 an hour!

It's just so frustrating. I don't much care for the job anyway, but having to deal with someone who checks up on every little thing I do, just makes it more annoying. She is real quick to tell me about every mistake I make, but is never willing to help me when I ask. So then I just get more stressed from all the work I have to do, and then end up making more mistakes.

I'm so ready to leave that job. And I have been applying to jobs every week. I just don't forsee it happening anytime soon.

I guess that's enough venting for now.

Melancholy

For some reason today, I just seemed a bit down. My day was pretty okay (well, except one email from someone who...basically I think they're an idiot. But whatever.) Work was actually okay too, nothing too terrible.

Usually class cheers me up, but for some reason, tonight, it didn't so much. I'm stuck feeling like I'm not any good. At anything, not just photography. And I just feel lost, like I don't know my place in the world (and now I have some old song running through my head, I think it's Richard Marx). I just feel kind of useless some days.

Then I got home and my mom was telling about a friend of hers who teaches kindergarten. Apparently this 5 year old boy got up in class today and was telling about the time he got shot. As in with a bullet from a gun. When he was 2! Apparently his "dad" decided to take junior with him to his drug deal. And then left the boy behind when the gunfire started. Part of me is completely shocked and amazed that someone would do something like that. And another part of me realizes that there are many people out there who probably would do the same thing. It just seems that our world is in a sorry state sometimes. And of course I felt....selfish, foolish, etc...worrying about dumb stupid stuff in my life where there are people out there who have had to deal with such major problems.

I got home from class and decided to check my email. Having none, I read a couple blogs that I keep up with on occasion. One of them was really what I needed to read. How God has a plan for us, even though we don't know what it is. It's something that I know, but often find difficult to really deal with and accept. The not knowing really bothers me. I feel that my life has stagnated, and maybe that's what it's supposed to be at this moment, but I'm ready for something else. Something different.

Guess I need to learn some patience, and just keep praying.

Life's little mysteries

Last night, for some reason I'm not really sure of, I was contemplating my single status. Questioning whether that status would ever change. I was also getting irritated with myself for worrying about it. I need to learn to be content with what I have in life. But I was thinking aboutmy single status/lonliness all the same.

Then my cousin called me. He was on his way to hang out with his 'boys'. He was telling me that I need to come hang out with him sometime, and he could hook me up with one of his friends. :) He then was saying that no he shouldn't do that, because if they broke my heart he'd have to kick their ass. It was nice to feel so cared about. It was also kind of strange how he called and brought hooking me up with someone right when I was thinking about my single status.

Then today at church the sermon was about contentment and peace. Which is very appropriate for me right now. I would like to be content and at peace with my life where it is. And I have moments where I am. But they don't seem to last very long. And I do pray about it.

I just find it interesting how life/God works sometimes. Giving us words we need when we need them. Guess I'll work on making some plans to go hang out with my cousin. :)

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

Faith

I've been thinking about Faith a lot recently.  There are people in my life, 
(family, friends, people who I meet through their blogs,) who just seem to have 
an overabundence of faith, "super-sized" faith.  Not all of them.  Some just have 
"regular-sized" faith. I feel that my faith isn't even "kiddie-sized".  My young 
nephew, who is only about 2 1/2 years old, already seems to have a better 
relationship with God than I do.  According to his aunt who he and his mom live 
with, he is now saying his before meal prayers by himself and also starting to 
say his night time prayers by himself.

[10/03/05
he says his before-meal prayer himself now "God is good, God is good, thank God for 
food. Jesus name. Amen. Yeah!"

Will do. Oh, he prayed for y'all the other night. "God bless mommy, & tete, &
 p, & uncie e, & gammagampa, & k, & m, & l_l, & dora and boots" :)

10/04/05
So last night, he did his "God bless"es with no coaxing. Except it was 
God guess..."guess mommy and tete and aunt plalane and uncie e and gramagranpa 
and aunt k and j and e (d's brother) and guess j (his teacher) and 
m (another teacher)". No Dora and Boots this time - but unfortunately no m 
or l or l either.]

I know that it is just one of those things that one must work for.  It just seems 
to come so easy to tohers around me.  But I also know that one must not judge others
just by what we see.  Everyone has aspects to their life that we are unable to see.  Unable to feel.

Life is just different for everyone.

Someday I just wish I could be more like them.  I also wish I could be more like 
some other bloggers who are able to write deep profound thoughts.  And manage to 
stick to one topic per blog.  :)

Small World

The world of blogging is an interesting one. I mostly blog as a way of getting things out of me, instead of keeping it all in. Which I have found really useful. I don't really think of people actually reading it. I know my friend Maura does. I knew she would as soon as I told her I was going to copy her and start blogging too. That and she post comments on most of my blogs. But I was talking to her over the weekend, and she let me know that one of her friends often reads my blogs too. Then today I found I had a comment from someone who had found my blog through my friends blog. And funnily enough, I had quoted in one of my previous blogs. It's just amazing how small the world really seems sometimes. Especially with the internet.

With blogs you can easily find yourself visiting many different countries in a matter of minutes or hours. You may start on one blog, and click a link to another blog, and yet again. You can find yourself ready blogs from the southwest United States, to Amsterdam, to Germany, to Japan, to Mozambique. Around the world in 80 blogs. It's an amazing journey.

Went to a friends wedding this weekend. The entire trip involved a wealth of thoughts, feelings and emotions. My friend is someone who I met in college almost 10 years ago. By the end of senoir year we had our little 'gang' of people that we chose to hang out with on a regular basis. The main...core...of the group (for lack of any better wording) consisted of a group of 6. In the 5 years since we graduated, we have tried to get together at least once a year or so. It started as Christmas get togethers, but in the recent years has been wedding get togethers.

Unfortunately not everyone was able to make it to the last wedding, but we were all able to be at the latest wedding. It's always fun and enjoyable to get together with old friends. Especially for an occassion as joyous as a wedding. Get togethers of any kind often bring up bittersweet feeling for me. I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with them. Especially that group, as I consider most of the group to be my closest friends. But there are some in the group that I feel I should do more to stay in contact with, that I don't do enough for them, that I'm not a good friend to them. These feelings are always brought to the foreground when I see them. Overall though it was happy feelings this weekend.

I spent the majority with my good friend, Maura, as I picked her up from the airport and drove her back. As often is the case, our conversations took a deep, meaningful tone. We discussed all sorts of topics ranging from boys, the meaning of life, and the murky depths of religion and God, and the scary road of pursuing faith.

I find weddings to be one of the loneliest places to be a singleton. For the most part I am quite content to be single. But there's just something about watching two people declaring their love for one another in front of all their friends and family. And then at the reception, all the couples who declared their love for each other years ago. You can just sort of see that spark of love come back, not that it ever really went away, but it just seems to glow a little brighter. When the slow songs come on, it seems that there are two options for the single gal: 1) sit and watch all the other couples on the floor, which for me leads to questions of "will I ever find love?" and "when will it be my turn?" and other torturous thoughts. or 2) group dancing with a bunch of your friends. Which is or can be quite fun and enjoyable, but I don't think that it holds quite the same....It's just not the same as dancing with someone with whom you share the deep and intimate connection of love.

So while weddings are one of the most joyous occasions and something that should be celebrated by all, often times they leave ME lonely and sad. Truthfully, at the end of most weddings the most prevalient feeling is that of pure exhaustion, but in the days following there is a battle between my wanting to sink into my lonliness, my desire to wallow in it and lament my misfortune, and my desire to be happy. To take joy in what I do have in life. To realize that we never really know what life has in store for us. God will give us what we need when the time is right. And more often than not, at least in my life, my plan and God's plan are never really quite the same.

I need to learn to focus on the good. The positives. My friend found herself a great man (and he found himself a terrific woman). She's happy. She's in love. I need to be able to rejoyce in that. My life isn't bad. I hate my job, but at least I have a job and am able to pay my bills. My parents love me and are willing to let me live with them even though they had just about succeeded in getting all of their children out of their house. And I have some of the worlds greatest friends. People who love and care about me. Who are happy to spend time with me. Who seem to enjoy it when I let a little more of my personality come out. Who no matter what, they are there for me. They love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.