Went to a friends wedding this weekend. The entire trip involved a wealth of thoughts, feelings and emotions. My friend is someone who I met in college almost 10 years ago. By the end of senoir year we had our little 'gang' of people that we chose to hang out with on a regular basis. The main...core...of the group (for lack of any better wording) consisted of a group of 6. In the 5 years since we graduated, we have tried to get together at least once a year or so. It started as Christmas get togethers, but in the recent years has been wedding get togethers.
Unfortunately not everyone was able to make it to the last wedding, but we were all able to be at the latest wedding. It's always fun and enjoyable to get together with old friends. Especially for an occassion as joyous as a wedding. Get togethers of any kind often bring up bittersweet feeling for me. I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with them. Especially that group, as I consider most of the group to be my closest friends. But there are some in the group that I feel I should do more to stay in contact with, that I don't do enough for them, that I'm not a good friend to them. These feelings are always brought to the foreground when I see them. Overall though it was happy feelings this weekend.
I spent the majority with my good friend, Maura, as I picked her up from the airport and drove her back. As often is the case, our conversations took a deep, meaningful tone. We discussed all sorts of topics ranging from boys, the meaning of life, and the murky depths of religion and God, and the scary road of pursuing faith.
I find weddings to be one of the loneliest places to be a singleton. For the most part I am quite content to be single. But there's just something about watching two people declaring their love for one another in front of all their friends and family. And then at the reception, all the couples who declared their love for each other years ago. You can just sort of see that spark of love come back, not that it ever really went away, but it just seems to glow a little brighter. When the slow songs come on, it seems that there are two options for the single gal: 1) sit and watch all the other couples on the floor, which for me leads to questions of "will I ever find love?" and "when will it be my turn?" and other torturous thoughts. or 2) group dancing with a bunch of your friends. Which is or can be quite fun and enjoyable, but I don't think that it holds quite the same....It's just not the same as dancing with someone with whom you share the deep and intimate connection of love.
So while weddings are one of the most joyous occasions and something that should be celebrated by all, often times they leave ME lonely and sad. Truthfully, at the end of most weddings the most prevalient feeling is that of pure exhaustion, but in the days following there is a battle between my wanting to sink into my lonliness, my desire to wallow in it and lament my misfortune, and my desire to be happy. To take joy in what I do have in life. To realize that we never really know what life has in store for us. God will give us what we need when the time is right. And more often than not, at least in my life, my plan and God's plan are never really quite the same.
I need to learn to focus on the good. The positives. My friend found herself a great man (and he found himself a terrific woman). She's happy. She's in love. I need to be able to rejoyce in that. My life isn't bad. I hate my job, but at least I have a job and am able to pay my bills. My parents love me and are willing to let me live with them even though they had just about succeeded in getting all of their children out of their house. And I have some of the worlds greatest friends. People who love and care about me. Who are happy to spend time with me. Who seem to enjoy it when I let a little more of my personality come out. Who no matter what, they are there for me. They love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.
Unfortunately not everyone was able to make it to the last wedding, but we were all able to be at the latest wedding. It's always fun and enjoyable to get together with old friends. Especially for an occassion as joyous as a wedding. Get togethers of any kind often bring up bittersweet feeling for me. I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with them. Especially that group, as I consider most of the group to be my closest friends. But there are some in the group that I feel I should do more to stay in contact with, that I don't do enough for them, that I'm not a good friend to them. These feelings are always brought to the foreground when I see them. Overall though it was happy feelings this weekend.
I spent the majority with my good friend, Maura, as I picked her up from the airport and drove her back. As often is the case, our conversations took a deep, meaningful tone. We discussed all sorts of topics ranging from boys, the meaning of life, and the murky depths of religion and God, and the scary road of pursuing faith.
I find weddings to be one of the loneliest places to be a singleton. For the most part I am quite content to be single. But there's just something about watching two people declaring their love for one another in front of all their friends and family. And then at the reception, all the couples who declared their love for each other years ago. You can just sort of see that spark of love come back, not that it ever really went away, but it just seems to glow a little brighter. When the slow songs come on, it seems that there are two options for the single gal: 1) sit and watch all the other couples on the floor, which for me leads to questions of "will I ever find love?" and "when will it be my turn?" and other torturous thoughts. or 2) group dancing with a bunch of your friends. Which is or can be quite fun and enjoyable, but I don't think that it holds quite the same....It's just not the same as dancing with someone with whom you share the deep and intimate connection of love.
So while weddings are one of the most joyous occasions and something that should be celebrated by all, often times they leave ME lonely and sad. Truthfully, at the end of most weddings the most prevalient feeling is that of pure exhaustion, but in the days following there is a battle between my wanting to sink into my lonliness, my desire to wallow in it and lament my misfortune, and my desire to be happy. To take joy in what I do have in life. To realize that we never really know what life has in store for us. God will give us what we need when the time is right. And more often than not, at least in my life, my plan and God's plan are never really quite the same.
I need to learn to focus on the good. The positives. My friend found herself a great man (and he found himself a terrific woman). She's happy. She's in love. I need to be able to rejoyce in that. My life isn't bad. I hate my job, but at least I have a job and am able to pay my bills. My parents love me and are willing to let me live with them even though they had just about succeeded in getting all of their children out of their house. And I have some of the worlds greatest friends. People who love and care about me. Who are happy to spend time with me. Who seem to enjoy it when I let a little more of my personality come out. Who no matter what, they are there for me. They love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be.
posted by Tallulah Jones | 1:36 PM
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