Not the only one...
A friend wanted to know what's on my mind, so I thought I'd share an email exchange I had today....
To me:
"i want to descibe my mood to you cause i really don't feel like there is anyone else who would understand....but i don't really know how to describe it......but i'm gonna try and i think you'll get it i'm in a really big i don't give a crap about anything moods, i'm sitting at my desk, there is a little bit of work for me to do but i don't want to do it - its not that important - i just want to leave - honestly i probably could and could be gone for about an hour and no one would notice or care...that's the way it is here - you would think that could be a great plus but I HATE IT!! i'm getting off track - maybe i can't describe it - but its like a blankness has taken over my mind - i have nothing to think about - i think this job makes me stupider - i know its like sometimes i have so much on my mind - its like my brain goes into overload cause there's just so much going on at once - then it shuts down - and there's nothing to think about - except for writing you this e-mail to try to describe it to you - isn't that weird? see i'm probably making no sense - you probably think i'm crazy - oh well - i probably am - but i'm just so sticking bored right now w/nothing to do and really really not wanting to be here - you know how some days your somewhere (like work) and your like - i really don't want to be here but those days you don't really mean it - its like you don't want to be at work you'd rather be playing hooky but then there are the days like today where you really mean it - its like you dread being here - it makes you want to cry its that bad - its almost like one of those days anyway, i could go on and on to waste time but i realize i'm not making much sense so i'll stop and see what else i can do to pass the time - thanks for listening!!! miss ya..."
From me:
"there are days and jobs when you wake up and are kind of like "ugh, I have to go to work today" then there are days and jobs when you wake up, it's like "what's the point of getting up" and on the way to the job you just want to cry because you have to go there again. and when you get off you want to cry because you know the next day will be the same. Then the weekend comes, and even though you'd like to enjoy it, you can't because you know it's only a mere 48 hours before you have to go back. I'd say it's like going back to hell, but it's more a personal private hell, because on the outside it looks like a great job, and you should be greatful to have a job that allows you to pay your bills when there are so many other people out there who do not have that luxury. But you can't, you can't feel good about it. You try, and you try, but you end up feeling worse because you know that in a way you are lucky, but on the other hand everyday you think that death would be preferable to this...this existance that you're living, barely. Is it something like that? or do you think I'm crazy? miss you too!"
to me:
"OMG its like you read my mind - you hit the nail on the head - pinned the tail on the donkey - whatever those other expressions are - i know pin the tail on the donkey isn't one normally used in that kind of scenerio it just came out and sounded right - but its perfect - absolutely perfect - i think i'm going to print it out and carry it with me - cause it actually made me smile - i think it made me smile becuase 1) you put it so eloquantly and 2) its nice knowing there is someone out there who understand - and every time i read about our own little personal hell(s) - i'll know where in this together thanks for being there for me!!!! your the bestest!!!! "
To me:
"i want to descibe my mood to you cause i really don't feel like there is anyone else who would understand....but i don't really know how to describe it......but i'm gonna try and i think you'll get it i'm in a really big i don't give a crap about anything moods, i'm sitting at my desk, there is a little bit of work for me to do but i don't want to do it - its not that important - i just want to leave - honestly i probably could and could be gone for about an hour and no one would notice or care...that's the way it is here - you would think that could be a great plus but I HATE IT!! i'm getting off track - maybe i can't describe it - but its like a blankness has taken over my mind - i have nothing to think about - i think this job makes me stupider - i know its like sometimes i have so much on my mind - its like my brain goes into overload cause there's just so much going on at once - then it shuts down - and there's nothing to think about - except for writing you this e-mail to try to describe it to you - isn't that weird? see i'm probably making no sense - you probably think i'm crazy - oh well - i probably am - but i'm just so sticking bored right now w/nothing to do and really really not wanting to be here - you know how some days your somewhere (like work) and your like - i really don't want to be here but those days you don't really mean it - its like you don't want to be at work you'd rather be playing hooky but then there are the days like today where you really mean it - its like you dread being here - it makes you want to cry its that bad - its almost like one of those days anyway, i could go on and on to waste time but i realize i'm not making much sense so i'll stop and see what else i can do to pass the time - thanks for listening!!! miss ya..."
From me:
"there are days and jobs when you wake up and are kind of like "ugh, I have to go to work today" then there are days and jobs when you wake up, it's like "what's the point of getting up" and on the way to the job you just want to cry because you have to go there again. and when you get off you want to cry because you know the next day will be the same. Then the weekend comes, and even though you'd like to enjoy it, you can't because you know it's only a mere 48 hours before you have to go back. I'd say it's like going back to hell, but it's more a personal private hell, because on the outside it looks like a great job, and you should be greatful to have a job that allows you to pay your bills when there are so many other people out there who do not have that luxury. But you can't, you can't feel good about it. You try, and you try, but you end up feeling worse because you know that in a way you are lucky, but on the other hand everyday you think that death would be preferable to this...this existance that you're living, barely. Is it something like that? or do you think I'm crazy? miss you too!"
to me:
"OMG its like you read my mind - you hit the nail on the head - pinned the tail on the donkey - whatever those other expressions are - i know pin the tail on the donkey isn't one normally used in that kind of scenerio it just came out and sounded right - but its perfect - absolutely perfect - i think i'm going to print it out and carry it with me - cause it actually made me smile - i think it made me smile becuase 1) you put it so eloquantly and 2) its nice knowing there is someone out there who understand - and every time i read about our own little personal hell(s) - i'll know where in this together thanks for being there for me!!!! your the bestest!!!! "
posted by Tallulah Jones | 4:52 PM
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