What If?
The other day I got lost in the "what if's" of my life. What if I had done this? What if I wouldn't have done that? Thinking about all the things in my life I would go back and change....if I could. [mostly likely brought on by the upcoming 10 year high school reunion.] There were so many things that I wish I would have done differently.
Later that night I went out with my older sister and her friends from high school. They started reminiscing about years past. Apparently in one of their recent get togethers, they decided to play the "What If" game. Basically in the game, you say the one thing that you would go back and change. For one of my sister's friends it had been going to law school (she is currently counting the days until she can get out of being a lawyer.) Apparently when it was my sister's turn she ruined the game by bringing up the whole "if we changed anything, then we wouldn't be here now."
Very sage advice. Although, I sometimes question whether or not this is where I want to be. But while there are still somethings I think I'd like to change, certain people I'd kind of like to erase from my mind, I don't know that I could really change all that much without affecting some of the good in my life.
I'd like to go back and have a better relationship with my sister, but then my nephew may not be here. And he's probably the best thing in my life. The one thing that will always bring a smile to my face...and some tears (I miss him bunches and can't believe how fast he is growing up) but tears with a smile.
Spending 4 years on a degree I have no use of now, seems like a waste of time and money...but then again, I met some of my best friends during those years. People I know that I can call anytime if I need them. People who I can call crying because the book I read was really sad. :)
A year and a half in Texas only to move back home. But it got my other sisters down there, and they seem truly happy. I think they may have found their place.
Two years in graduate school, for a degree that is not assisting the least bit in procuring viable employment. But again, met some really great people. A true friend who will help me plot out how to get my secret celebrity crush to fall in love with me. Those kind of friends only come around once in a life time. :)
One year at a job I truly hated and that contributed to my suicidal thoughts...well, don't know that I've come up with anything good out of that one yet. I suppose at sometime when I move past the depression, it will teach me to appreciate not being suicidal...I don't know. I suppose I need a bit more time with that one. Things always look better in hindsite. Unfortunately I haven't gone far enough where I can look upon that time and see the full picture.
I was thinking the other day about my decision to come out here. Whether or not it was a good decision. Whether or not I should stick it out or just go home. I have begun to think that my whole "purpose" in coming out here may have been to get my other sister out here.
If my past is any track record, then she'll move out here and her life will fall into place. She be at home here. I'll move back. Probably back to the old college town. Probably pay big bucks I can't afford and go get a PHD in some field totally unrelated to either of my other degrees. Meet some really great friends, and then move away and start the whole cycle over again. Great fun.
Who knows what the future holds. I guess all we can do is wait and see.
Later that night I went out with my older sister and her friends from high school. They started reminiscing about years past. Apparently in one of their recent get togethers, they decided to play the "What If" game. Basically in the game, you say the one thing that you would go back and change. For one of my sister's friends it had been going to law school (she is currently counting the days until she can get out of being a lawyer.) Apparently when it was my sister's turn she ruined the game by bringing up the whole "if we changed anything, then we wouldn't be here now."
Very sage advice. Although, I sometimes question whether or not this is where I want to be. But while there are still somethings I think I'd like to change, certain people I'd kind of like to erase from my mind, I don't know that I could really change all that much without affecting some of the good in my life.
I'd like to go back and have a better relationship with my sister, but then my nephew may not be here. And he's probably the best thing in my life. The one thing that will always bring a smile to my face...and some tears (I miss him bunches and can't believe how fast he is growing up) but tears with a smile.
Spending 4 years on a degree I have no use of now, seems like a waste of time and money...but then again, I met some of my best friends during those years. People I know that I can call anytime if I need them. People who I can call crying because the book I read was really sad. :)
A year and a half in Texas only to move back home. But it got my other sisters down there, and they seem truly happy. I think they may have found their place.
Two years in graduate school, for a degree that is not assisting the least bit in procuring viable employment. But again, met some really great people. A true friend who will help me plot out how to get my secret celebrity crush to fall in love with me. Those kind of friends only come around once in a life time. :)
One year at a job I truly hated and that contributed to my suicidal thoughts...well, don't know that I've come up with anything good out of that one yet. I suppose at sometime when I move past the depression, it will teach me to appreciate not being suicidal...I don't know. I suppose I need a bit more time with that one. Things always look better in hindsite. Unfortunately I haven't gone far enough where I can look upon that time and see the full picture.
I was thinking the other day about my decision to come out here. Whether or not it was a good decision. Whether or not I should stick it out or just go home. I have begun to think that my whole "purpose" in coming out here may have been to get my other sister out here.
If my past is any track record, then she'll move out here and her life will fall into place. She be at home here. I'll move back. Probably back to the old college town. Probably pay big bucks I can't afford and go get a PHD in some field totally unrelated to either of my other degrees. Meet some really great friends, and then move away and start the whole cycle over again. Great fun.
Who knows what the future holds. I guess all we can do is wait and see.
posted by Tallulah Jones | 8:33 PM
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